NEW YORK—Frantically searching through the latest lightning deals and price slashes while sitting in his darkened room, Amazon customer Franklin Harris was reportedly forced to piss in a bottle Monday in order to keep up with Prime Day deals. “Christ, I’ve been busting my ass scrolling through deals for 12 hours already, but I just know if I step away to the bathroom for even a second, Amazon will be all over me about some KitchenAid Stand Mixer that’s half-off,” said Harris before grabbing an empty Aquafina bottle from a shelf cluttered with dozens of already half-filled containers of urine and relieving himself, reportedly never breaking eye contact with his monitor for fear of the consequences of missing rebates on Samsonite Luggage sets and Toshiba Fire TVs. “My whole body aches from constantly clicking and sitting. I’m dehydrated, I haven’t seen the sun in days, and, frankly, I’m probably buying way more items on discount than any person should be expected to. But what am I supposed to do? Amazon is just goddamn relentless about these deals.” At press time, Harris was spotted shaking his head in dismay and pulling on an adult diaper after an email arrived in his inbox reminding him about a limited-time offer for Garmin Wearable GPS devices.

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