FORT COLLINS, CO—Summoning a maelstrom of black energy from the depths of the netherworld, enchanted necromancer Keith Pfluger was reportedly able to revive an argument that had perished many years earlier and which was previously believed to have departed from this realm for all eternity, sources confirmed Friday. “You know, this is exactly like the time you told me it was fine if I wanted to skip your office holiday party, but then got mad when I decided not to go,” intoned the unholy sorcerer, breathing a torrent of stygian magic into the lifeless verbal conflict and causing it to stir for the first time in ages. “You can’t do that—that’s bullshit. You can’t say, ‘Oh, I’m going to my niece’s birthday party, but don’t feel like you need to come unless you really want to,’ and then get pissed off when I make plans to do something else. It’s the same exact thing and you know it is.” At press time, the wicked practitioner of dark arts had reportedly opened a portal even he was powerless to close, unleashing an army of undead points of contention into the world of the living.

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