TACOMA, WA—Sighing in resignation at the time he had squandered on such unimportant concerns, dying man Abe Prenderghast, 83, confessed Monday that his greatest regret was wasting so much of life obsessing over people he had systematically abducted and strangled. “Now that I’m at the end of the road, it’s hard for me not to look back and wonder why I ever got so worked up about what a bunch of strangers said to me as I watched the life drain from their eyes,” said the elderly man from his deathbed, lamenting the hours he had thrown away just replaying trivial comments branding him as a monster or tearfully begging him to stop as he tightened his gloved grip around their windpipe. “That’s so much of my life that I’ll never get back, and in the end, I didn’t even know most of these people. So, did the fact that they call me a sociopath affect me? Of course not. If anything, I could have spent all that mental energy suffocating even more people, dressing them in Native American regalia, ejaculating, and then burying their bodies in my orchid garden. Oh, well.” Prenderghast went on to note that he was determined to live his final day well and had already found a lightweight orderly who would help him do so.
More from The Onion