NEW CASTLE, DE—As he stood on tiptoes in a desperate attempt to locate a can of soup or perhaps a package of ramen, local man Josh Mucklow told reporters Tuesday that as kitchen resources continue to vanish, he has been forced to scavenge for food in higher and higher cabinets. “The shelves I have traditionally relied upon are depleted, so I’ve had no choice but to forage deeper into these cupboards than ever before,” said Mucklow, who explained that a catastrophic pasta shortage had recently exacerbated the situation, forcing him to subsist on stale corn chips for much of the evening. “Once the peanut butter reserves ran dry, I knew I would need to pull over a chair so I could cover more area in my search. Unfortunately, if there’s nothing for me in the hard-to-reach cabinets above the refrigerator, I’m as good as done for come morning.” At press time, reports confirmed Mucklow had narrowly staved off death after finding a bag of rice cakes behind the waffle iron.

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