POUGHQUAG, NY—Completely ignoring the fruit’s coloring and texture, local dumbass Luke Jordan reportedly opted for an overripe McIntosh Red when picking apples Friday, even though a Pink Lady was clearly the best variety available given the region’s topography and the lateness of the harvest season. “God, what a complete moron,” said Linda Baxter, a fellow patron at Barton Orchards who cringed as the shit-for-brains bypassed all the perfectly ripened Pink Ladies and Macouns for a McIntosh tree well on its way to dormancy and, given soil acidity levels, incapable of producing apples with the tart-tasting notes or tender white flesh the cultivar is known for. “It’s like, ‘Look at a calendar, numskull. It’s late October.’ That tree bloomed in May and is behind a hill without much access to sunlight, but this dope comes along and mindlessly plucks its fruit without even surveying the hue of its leaves or its trunk health. At the very least, he could have gone for a Golden Delicious or Jonagold. You can tell he doesn’t have an inkling of the effect all our excess rainfall has had on that plant’s wilting pattern. What a loser.” At press time, sources confirmed Baxter’s jaw had dropped after she overheard the fuckwit say he was going to make a pie with his McIntoshes when a blend of Fujis and Cameos would be a far superior option given their flavor profiles this time of year.


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