ALBUQUERQUE, NM—Narrowly avoiding disaster thanks to a split-second maneuver, local driver Michael Rispanti reportedly swerved his vehicle Thursday to avoid a whitetail deer that was standing right in the middle of the Albuquerque Zoo. “Jesus! It came out of nowhere,” said 35-year-old Rispanti, acknowledging that he had “a couple brews” to wash down his prescription before getting behind the wheel of “his” 2013 Nissan Sentra. “It’s a good thing I acted quickly—as it was I could’ve skidded right into that moat if I hadn’t ricocheted off the Italian ice stand. And, before you ask, I don’t know exactly how fast I was going, which is totally on me—but up until I turned to miss the deer, that cheetah was having a hard time keeping up.” Rispanti was helped out of his predicament by law enforcement officers who approached him as he retrieved an ice scraper from the car’s trunk and attempted to dislodge a horribly disfigured peacock from the radiator grille.

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