CHICAGO—Letting out a frustrated sigh as her dog once again squatted down to relieve itself, local woman Shelly Reed told reporters Monday that she wasn’t sure how the city expected her to pick up every drop of dog piss in a little bag. “Look, I’m a responsible dog owner, and I’ve been one all my life, but if you expect me to pay a $250 fine every time I leave a harmless little bead of dog urine on the ground, you’re crazy,” said Reed, adding that even though she tried her best, it would be basically impossible for her to sop up the liters of piss her dog routinely released into the grass. “I know we all have to work to keep the neighborhood clean, but I’d like to see our government officials try kneeling down beneath their dog and catching whatever liquid waste comes out into a tiny little plastic bag. Seriously, this happens 25 times per walk, and me filling up our trash cans and landfills with gallons of dog pee isn’t going to help our city’s rat problem either.” At press time, Reed shrugged and told reporters that so long as no one was around to see her dog piss, she was just going to go ahead and leave it.
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