SPRINGFIELD, MO—Unable to control his intense craving for a soiled garment fresh from the laundry bin, local dog and faithful companion Cooper was reportedly thinking Friday about how he could really go for some women’s underwear right about now. “You know what would hit the spot? A nice, big bite of thong,” said the 3-year-old terrier mix, adding that it would be incredibly satisfying to nose around in the dirty clothes and stick his head face-first into the crotch of his owner’s recently worn lingerie. “Sometimes you just get a hankering like that. Running shorts could do in a pinch, but to be honest, that’s not what I’m in the mood for. What would be perfect is some briefs from a really sweltering, humid, 90-degree day. Silk, cotton, I don’t care—as long as I can drag them out onto the deck and chomp on ’em till I get my fill.” At press time, reports confirmed a delighted Cooper couldn’t believe his luck upon stumbling across one of his owner’s used tampons in the wastebasket.
More from The Onion