KANSAS CITY, MO—After a biopsy determined a tumor removed from his kidney was benign, local 28-year-old Andrew Keller was reportedly reassured by doctors Wednesday that he still had quite a few years of staring at his smartphone ahead of him. “Good news: The tests came back completely negative, which means you’ll be mindlessly scrolling through the apps on your phone for decades to come,” said Saint Luke’s Hospital nephrologist Elizabeth Steltzer, adding that she had feared the mass in Keller’s kidney might have been renal cell carcinoma, a disease that could rob him of years spent hunching over electronic devices and gazing vacantly into their screens. “My prognosis is that you’ll be scanning your feeds and tapping on touch-screen devices for a long, long time. With any luck, you’ll get to watch your kids and grandkids grow up to stare at their phones, too.” At press time, sources confirmed Steltzer was repeating the positive report to Keller, who appeared to have become distracted after receiving a new Twitter notification.
More from The Onion