WEST VALLEY CITY, UT—Following several preliminary tests of the unusual growth, Dr. Ron Craig informed patient Tom Stossel Wednesday that the weird lump that appeared on his neck in July was in fact nothing he can afford to worry about. “This might look bad, but I can assure you that this growth poses absolutely no danger that’s within your financial capacity to address,” Dr. Craig told Stossel during the follow-up visit after his tissue biopsy, adding that he would only advise treating the golf ball-sized lesion on the back of his neck if he thought his system could withstand the effects of injecting large quantities of cash directly into the hospital. “Some patients with similar growths do opt for surgery, but in their case, it’s mostly if they have a preexisting capacity to absorb the costs or a family history of great wealth. However, a thorough examination of your insurance plan, your bank accounts, and your employment history found absolutely no evidence that you should consider removing this lesion. For the time being, just put it out of your mind and try to keep comfortable, if not financially so.” Dr. Craig added that the man should immediately schedule a follow-up examination if he noticed any sudden increase in his savings.
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