CENTENNIAL, CO—Noting that he typically advises anyone under 120 over 80 to go apeshit, local internist Dr. Alan Thal told patient Matt Richards Friday that his blood pressure read fairly normal, so he should really fucking let it rip. “Well, Mr. Richards, you’re at 118 over 74. That means do whatever the hell you want. Get wasted, start a smoking habit—who gives a shit, just fucking go nuts,” said Thal, adding that he’d like to keep an eye on it, but in the meantime, Richards is going to want to eat as much delicious, salty food as he wants and cut loose. “Blood pressure is measured in terms of systolic and diastolic numbers and, since both of yours are fine, you can stop wasting time exercising and do some real crazy shit. Keep in mind, you’re 51 and not getting any younger, so I strongly suggest going balls-to-the-wall sooner than later.” At press time, Richards had died as a result of hypertension 20 minutes after leaving the doctor’s office.

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