PORTLAND, ME—Moments after pushing his chair out from the table in resignation, local restaurant patron Joe Wright, who had previously thrown a wadded-up napkin into the center of his plate, announced Tuesday that he would come out of retirement for one last stab at his burger. “Although I signaled my retirement just moments ago with a contented sigh and a wipe at the aioli on the corner of my mouth, I just hated the idea that I was the kind of person who would leave some burger out on that plate,” said Wright, stressing that he would be haunted for the rest of his life if he walked away without doing his best to finish the cheeseburger, questioning what kind of example such a defeatist attitude might present to his children. “After all, I’m only 42. In many ways, I’m still at the top of my game. So today, I’m here to say that it was too early for me to count myself out. In fact, who knows? I might even dabble in some of those hand-cut fries.” At press time, Wright’s family had convened a press conference to announce that he had died while choking on a large mouthful of burger.