TOLEDO, OH—Provoking widespread familial concern with her uncharacteristically gloomy outlook, depressed mother Linda Cartwright reportedly displayed a complete inability Monday to enjoy her adult son’s new haircut. “I knew something was wrong when she didn’t say anything about how grown-up and neat I look,” said Nick Cartwright, 25, after sending his mother a photo of his new high-fade and receiving only an apathetic thumbs-up emoji in response. “Mom pestered me for weeks about how I was getting shaggy. For her to be completely unfazed by how short I got it on the sides makes it pretty clear she’s struggling. Normally, she makes a huge deal about how I’m such a handsome young man, posting pictures of me on Facebook so all her friends can see how nice my hair is, but right now, it seems she’s deriving no pleasure from things she used to enjoy. She didn’t even seem to care that I finally shaved my beard.” At press time, Cartwright had called for a welfare check on his mother upon learning she had expressed indifference to seeing him wear a button-down shirt she had picked out for him.
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