CLEVELAND—In a devastatingly sad overestimation of his influence in the professional world, local father Bruce Tenety, 54, expressed the heartbreaking belief Monday that his connections could help his son Justin, a recent college graduate, find a job. “You know, I actually have a friend in the media business, and if you shoot him an email and meet up for coffee, he just might be able to hook you up with something,” said Tenety, who depressingly appeared to be under the impression that this tenuous contact from a conference he attended three years ago would not only remember his name, but would also be willing to extend an offer of employment to a 23-year-old he knows nothing about. “I also know a guy who works at a PR firm in Mayfield Heights. Old Gary definitely owes me one from back in the day. Hell, you could probably call him up right now and get an interview this week. Just tell him you’re Bruce’s kid.” At press time, sources confirmed Tenety had noticed his name was suspiciously absent from the references section on his son’s most recent job application.
More from The Onion