COLUMBUS, OH—Expressing their appreciation that they were once again able to shop in peace, 7-Eleven patrons were reportedly relieved Friday to discover that the perky cashier had finally had his spirit crushed. “I’ve been dreading going in recently for fear of that chipper employee cracking jokes, asking how my day was going, and generally just ruining my 7-Eleven experience,” said customer Aubrey Alexanian, confirming that the cashier’s monosyllabic answers and refusal to make eye-contact during her latest trip represented a vast improvement. “I’m just trying to get my scratch tickets and point to the taquitos or hotdogs that I want with an absolute minimum of human interaction. Thankfully, it seems like this guy’s realized his job is a soul-sucking nightmare, so it should be back to business as usual. For a while there, I was worried I was going to have to do all my shopping at the Hess gas station.” Alexanian believed she had helped the process in her own way by always treating the cashier like subhuman trash.
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