Couple Thankfully Not Well-Liked Enough To Have Superspreader Wedding

Illustration for article titled Couple Thankfully Not Well-Liked Enough To Have Superspreader Wedding

PORTSMOUTH, NH—Following the bride-and-groom-to-be’s decision to celebrate their union with loved ones despite the ongoing pandemic, sources reported Thursday that local couple Caitlin Hughes and Thomas Radke were thankfully not well-liked enough for their wedding to become a superspreader event. “At first, I thought it was really irresponsible for them to have an in-person ceremony, but then I remembered Tom and Caitlin don’t exactly have a lot of friends, so it should be fine,” said Hughes’ cousin Jackie DiVincenzo, who added that the friends the couple did have weren’t the kinds of people likely to bring a date, or to attend another social event anytime soon, making it unlikely they would spread Covid-19 even if they did contract it at the wedding. “Honestly, they could invite everyone they’ve ever hung out with going back to high school, and we’d still be talking about a pretty low-risk gathering. Their relatives don’t like them much, either, and while some of them will show up, it’s hard to imagine a sizable group actually sticking around for the reception. Even if there’s an open bar, people have better things to do than hang around with those two.” At press time, DiVincenzo confirmed the entire bridal party had returned their RSVPs with regrets.

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