SALINA, KS—In order to ensure their gift suggestions were sensitive to the economic circumstances of all their guests, local couple Mary Gallagher and Bret Perry put a handful of items on their wedding registry Friday that even their loser family members could afford. “I guess some of the deadbeat cousins can get us a couple of hand towels or placemats,” said Gallagher as she added a garlic press and a soap dispenser to the list while scouring the Bed Bath & Beyond website for other gifts comfortably in the $10 to $20 range. “Dave and Kathy can’t seem to hold on to one job between them, so we should definitely add something like a cooling rack. Or maybe this spice jar? It’s pretty small. I mean, I suppose we could ask for some napkin rings or a little picture frame, but I honestly don’t know how much cheaper we can go without it getting embarrassing.” In an effort to accommodate the very worst fuckups in their families, Gallagher and Perry had at press time added a disclaimer to their wedding website informing guests that gifts were optional and that their attendance alone will be “a present in itself.”

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