‘Come Home For Christmas Now,’ Whispers Dad As Enraged Mom Rips Stove, Dishwasher From Wall

Illustration for article titled ‘Come Home For Christmas Now,’ Whispers Dad As Enraged Mom Rips Stove, Dishwasher From Wall

KANSAS CITY, MO—Holding his breath and cowering in a corner as the screaming 58-year-old tore through his house, father of four James Connroy whispered “Come home for Christmas now” into the phone to his daughter Wednesday as the enraged mother ripped the stove and dishwasher from the wall. “Listen to me, if she doesn’t get to spend the holidays with all of her babies under one roof together soon, I’m as good as dead—do you understand me?” said Connroy, wincing and clutching his cell phone to his ear as his wife let out a blood-curdling scream, plunged her fingers deep into the plaster, and scrambled up to the ceiling while yelling the words “family, now” in a deep, billowing voice. “Please, we don’t have much time. The only thing that can save me at this point is all of us sitting around the Christmas tree in our pajamas, laughing like old times. If I don’t make it out of here, tell your mom I know she didn’t mean any harm, and that I forgive her. Oh God, I think she tore out the countertops. But she loves those countertops. Oh my God. Oh my God.” At press time, the Connroy children told reporters that the last thing they’d heard from their dad was a grainy voicemail where a fist audibly punched through a door, followed by the sound of bones cracking.