BOWLING GREEN, OH—Saying they hadn’t yet found a location with the proper combination of bland decor, uncomfortable seats, and bleak fluorescent lighting, admissions officials at Bowling Green State University confirmed Friday they were still looking for the absolute saddest place on campus to hold their upcoming transfer student orientation. “We checked out several dimly lit conference rooms in the administrative building as well as some shabby, outdated student lounge areas, but we’ve yet to find the most pitiful place possible to gather our transfer students in small groups for 45 minutes at a time while they receive their student IDs and register for classes,” said assistant admissions director Danielle Flynn, adding that a suitably wretched venue should be dingy and cramped, but boast enough space for three or four plastic folding tables and a projector screen for displaying the tedious graduation requirements slideshow. “One of the basement rooms in the student union was close, but it got a little too much natural light. I just hope we can find something adequately depressing before students start arriving next week.” Flynn added that after completing their orientation, transfer students would be invited to the other side of campus for a sparsely attended, heartbreakingly pathetic activities fair.

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