LOUISVILLE, KY—Breaking from his usual detachment and allowing himself to freely discuss his heightened level of sexual arousal, cold and distant local boyfriend Andy Bokelman finally opened up to his girlfriend Tuesday about just how horny he was. “I know I’m not always the best at talking about my emotions, but I wanted to let you know that I am incredibly turned on right now and am ready to fuck, like, immediately,” said Bokelman, adding that while he hoped his romantic partner Laura Pendergast already knew he was feeling so hot for her that his penis was about to explode, he knew it was important to say these things, too. “I’ve been trying to get to a place where I can allow myself to be vulnerable and honest with you about how I am, at the moment, so hard my dick could cut through a diamond. Because I know if I give myself permission to acknowledge and experience these feelings, then there’s a chance I can respond to them in a positive way before I go off like a fucking fire hydrant.” Bokelman speculated that his difficulty talking openly about the subject might have come from having a closed-off, emotionally stunted father who never once mentioned his own horniness.
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