SAVANNAH, GA—Using the scant remaining oxygen in his brain to note the approaching stranger’s clear lack of emergency medical experience, choking man Philip Havish could reportedly already tell the good Samaritan attempting to help him had no fucking clue what they were doing. “Oh, God, I’m totally fucked—this dipshit is clearly just winging it right now,” said Havish, whose feelings of hope quickly turned to dread as the complete stranger pushed his way through a crowd of onlookers, insisted he knew CPR, and then proceeded to grab his shoulders and violently shake. “Jesus Christ, he’s obviously running on pure adrenaline and has no real plan. Come on, that’s not where your hands are supposed to go for the Heimlich maneuver—my God, he’s just throwing me around like a rag doll. He started giving me mouth-to-mouth and then gave up and just started pouring water on my face, and now he’s just sort of patting my back? Shit, I think he’s going to get the defibrillator.” At press time, the recently deceased Havish could not be reached for further comment.

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