GLADWIN, MI—Snapping tersely at her mom for once again bringing up her complicated labor, 10-month-old cow Honeybun expressed annoyance Wednesday that her mother was always giving her a guilt trip with the story of how the vet had to stick a chain up her vagina to pull her out. “Oh my god, I get it already, I’ve been trouble since day one when you had to spend six hours in labor with a man shoulder-deep in your birth canal,” said the heifer, adding that while she understood that having a cold, metal calf jack and a pair of 5-foot chains shoved up there wasn’t fun, she also didn’t appreciate it being used against her every time they argued. “Look, I know it sucked to give birth to me and that the vet and three of his assistants had to use their combined weight to yank me out, but I didn’t ask to be born. Sorry my brothers and sisters just kind of fell out of you directly onto the ground, maybe that’s why I’m such a bad child.” At press time, the cow had stormed off after her mother said she couldn’t wait until Honeybun had selfish, ungrateful calves of her own.
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