Business That Supposedly Considers Itself One Big Family Doesn’t Want Employees Bathing Together

ATLANTA—Protesting what they view as glaring hypocrisy, employees at Liberty Point Insurance said they were disheartened Thursday to learn that despite its repeated claims that they were one big family, the company they work for nonetheless objected to them bathing together. “Well, I suppose all that talk about how we’re this tight-knit unit was just so much corporate lip service—otherwise, why would they tell us we can’t lather up and scrub off the dirt with our coworkers?” said adjuster Derek Hanson, who confirmed he felt betrayed by the new position on bathing and, along with other employees, asked how else the company’s phrase “We’re all one family” was supposed to be interpreted. “We were just splish-splashing around a little, and then out of nowhere HR steps in and says we can’t do that anymore. Seriously, how am I supposed to get all the soap off my back without Jim or Kendra or one of my other officemates there to help me with the loofah? This is worse than the time we were all reprimanded for wearing matching overalls to work. No more rub-a-dub-dub? You’ve got to be kidding me.” Hanson went on to speculate that next, he and his coworkers would be prohibited from crawling into their boss’s arms to calm down after a scary nightmare.

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