‘Bring Me Some Holiday Cheer, You Son Of A Bitch’ Says Woman Slamming Christmas Tree Up Against Wall

Illustration for article titled ‘Bring Me Some Holiday Cheer, You Son Of A Bitch’ Says Woman Slamming Christmas Tree Up Against Wall

BRATTLEBORO, VT—In a desperate effort to get into the spirit of the season, local woman Miranda Krall was reportedly demanding that a Christmas tree bring her some holiday cheer Friday while slamming it against a wall. “Come on, I know you’re holding out on me—you’ve got to have some Yuletide warmth in there somewhere, goddammit,” said a furious Krall, grabbing the decorated conifer by the trunk and shaking it violently in an effort to force the tree to dislodge a few crumbs of goodwill towards all. “I swear to God if I’m not consumed by feelings of joy to the world and kinship of mankind in the next 15 minutes, I’ll strangle you with your own string of lights, you sick fuck.” At press time, Krall was warning the tree what happened to those who got in the way of her Christmas cheer by tearing apart a wreath.