Illustration for article titled Bride Always Dreamed About Making Fiancé’s Friends Sweat Asses Off In Fucking Sun

NASHVILLE, TN—Noting that the small detail was crucial for creating her ideal fairy-tale wedding, 30-year-old bride Anna Reed confirmed Thursday that she had always dreamed about making her fiancé’s friends sweat their goddamn asses off in the fucking sun. “Ever since I was a little girl, I’ve pictured a few of my future husband’s college buddies and maybe a coworker or two standing by his side in full three-piece tuxedos just sweating balls in the oppressive fucking heat as I walk down the aisle,” said Reed, adding that she always imagined the blistering August day when the squinting, grimacing groomsmen slowly succumbed to goddamn heatstroke while she took her sweet-ass time saying her vows. “Some people make a big fuss over their wedding, but I wanted a simple event where the red-faced, perspiration-drenched friends of the man I’ll be spending the rest of my life with are on the verge of passing out after having the fucking sun beat down on them for the entire 25-minute ceremony.” Overcome with emotion, Reed went on to say that she had also fantasized about getting guests she didn’t even know that well to shell out a shit-ton of money to travel to her annoying-as-fuck destination wedding.


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