MILWAUKEE—After he flaunted the opulent receptacle on his front porch and sipped from it in a display of lavish decadence, witnesses confirmed Thursday that local bourgeois pig Kyle Evans, Mr. Moneybags himself, owned a fancy glass designed specifically for drinking wine. “He must think he’s a Rockefeller, buying a special glass with a stem on it because he’s too good to drink wine from any old cup like us regular folks,” neighbor Daniel Clements said of the shameless social climber, adding that Evans was so eager to fit in with his blue-blooded overlords that he also insisted his white wines and rosés be chilled before he drank them, lest their too-warm temperature offend his sensitive palate. “Oink, oink, piggy. I bet he’s got plates of varying sizes too, so he can use the smaller ones for salads and the larger ones for his dinner. Well, enjoy it while you can, Lord Kyle. It’s only a matter of time before you’re bayoneted in your bed.” At press time, Evans was spotted handing a $5 tip to the serf delivering his takeout, like some modern-day Mansa Musa.
More from The Onion