AMES, IA—Staring wistfully in the mirror as he flexed his tanned, oversized muscles, local bodybuilder Jai Dragovich told reporters Monday that ever since he became sufficiently strong, he couldn’t help but wonder: now what? “I’ve been so busy finding out how much weight I could lift that I never paused to ask if this is what I should be doing with my life,” said Dragovich, who added that even though he’d recently hit his target weight of 260 pounds and was down to 2 percent body fat, he wasn’t sure what to do with it all now, or what to use it for. “Do I just keep lifting heavier and heavier things? Do I use my strength to murder someone? God, I look so scary now. I guess I’m just locked into this never-ending cycle of weightlifting until I eventually die.” At press time, Dragovich had reportedly wiped off his body oil and left his home, telling sources that there must be more to life than just building muscle, and goddammit, he was going to find it.

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