NEW CASTLE, DE—Noting that it had become way more noticeable in her hips and chin lately, local body-positive male ally Jason Isakson was reportedly worried Thursday that his girlfriend has been packing on the beauty lately. “Ashley has been really stressed out recently, and I fear that there may be more of her to worship than ever,” said the forward-thinking champion of female empowerment, explaining that he had noticed her 5- or 10-pound previous fluctuations in beauty, but that he had never seen her flawlessness get this bad before. “I don’t mind a little bit of extra gorgeous, but at some point, it’s a health thing. Her waist has gotten way more perfect the way it is for sure. I think she’s almost two sizes more stunning than she was in the summer.” At press time, Isakson was expressing concern to a neighbor that a nearby affordable housing development might attract too many people deserving of equal rights to the area.
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