LOS ANGELES—According to terrified witnesses, the whole boardroom of Capstone Marketing Insights began to quake violently Friday as CEO Matt Petersen’s eyes turned an inky black and his voice dropped an octave while announcing a new, video-centered vision for the company. Calling it a “necessary pivot” and “an exciting opportunity to grow profits,” Petersen reportedly started writing out quarterly projections at an inhuman speed and then emitted an ear-splitting screech that caused each of the frosted glass panels enclosing the conference room to shatter in horrifying succession. Sources confirmed the room temperature fell by more than 20 degrees as the CEO spoke, the air taking on a noxious, sulfuric scent when he proclaimed—with several deep, boar-like grunts—that the company would also be partnering with a third-party social-media consulting firm. Moments later, all nine members of the board reportedly started nodding their heads uncontrollably and then vomited a thick, blood-speckled bile to signal their unanimous support.
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