ATHENS, GA—Saying he was torn over whether he could ethically support an artist who lacks a criminal record, local black-metal fan John Eaby told reporters Tuesday he was conflicted about listening to the band Hargenthoth, whose lead vocalist, Thorl Draugar, has never once been convicted of murder. “Seriously, how am I supposed to scream along with lyrics about presiding over a human sacrifice during a black mass when I know, in the back of my mind, this guy has never even stabbed someone to death?” said Eaby, adding that while he loved how outspoken Draugar was as both a white supremacist and a homophobe, sometimes it felt wrong to give his time and money to a musician who wasn’t actively trying to convince his own fans to commit suicide. “Look, I’ve been following this guy for years, and his music kicks ass. But the fact that he doesn’t have a single album cover on which he appears drenched in gallons of goat blood? It’s not looking good. Frankly, if he doesn’t get his act together soon and blow a fellow bandmember’s head off with a shotgun, or behead a mental patient in a music video, that might be the last straw.” At press time, Eaby said he was relieved to learn that Draugar had finally stopped beating around the bush and burned down an ancient Norwegian church.

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