SAN QUENTIN, CA—Expressing frustration with the endless parade of poorly informed new inmates attempting to establish a reputation, Otto “O-Nasty” Dunlap, the biggest guy at San Quentin Prison, confirmed Friday that he was tired of every new inmate beating the shit out of him on their first day. “Every day it’s the same drill—I’m just going about my business and, bam, some first-time felon hits me in the head with a steel lunch tray, a weightlifting plate, or some metal shop scrap,” said Dunlap, 34, adding that despite his massive size, he had never once been the instigator in any of his 700-plus fights since 2015. “I get it, these guys want to prove themselves, but if that’s the case, go take a shot at the toughest guy. Just because I’m 6-foot-8-inches doesn’t mean I know jack shit about throwing down. Hell, I’m not even here for a violent crime. I sold a few rare-breed Bengal kittens without the proper dealer’s license or board of health certificates, and now every day all day, the new fish chase me with sharpened toothbrushes. I mean, shit.” At press time, Dunlap was stuffing his orange coverall with layers of tinfoil and old newspapers after noticing a new group of skinheads being escorted to their cells.
More from The Onion