NANTUCKET, MA—Admitting that his expectations about a shark attack turned out to be pretty far off-base, vacationing swimmer Drew Roberts remarked Wednesday that being eaten alive by a 12-foot great white was not nearly as frightening as he once believed it would be. “This is something that’s always paralyzed me with sheer terror, but now that I’m actually being eviscerated alive by rows of razor-sharp teeth, it’s actually not that bad,” said Roberts, who added that he had “made a mountain out of molehill” as he watched his viscera jet from his body into the surrounding surf. “I don’t know how I got it into my head that being torn limb from limb would be so scary. Honestly, hearing my family screaming on the shore is the worst part.” As several more ravenous sharks began to circle the gruesome remains of what used to be his torso, Roberts noted that his recent real-world experience had pretty much ruined Jaws for him.

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