Illustration for article titled Back Bedroom Declared Off-Limits To Party Guests Like Forbidden Wing Of Decrepit Gothic Manor

TORRINGTON, CT—Warning that there was nothing for him back there, local man Chris Redding reportedly declared a bedroom in his apartment off-limits to party guest Claire Upton Friday as if it was a forbidden wing of a decrepit Gothic manor. “Oh, the door past the bathroom? You wouldn’t want to go back there,” said Redding, dispatching a warning like a caretaker spotting a guest straying deep into a long-condemned section of a mist-swathed British mansion where the casements had been forever closed and the bed sheets left to molder in mothballs. “Hey, bud, the party’s out here. There isn’t anything in the backroom [nor has there been ever since the master vanished on Michaelmas Eve. There is only dust and memories thence. Please, return where you are welcome].” At press time, a perplexed partygoer who had been looking for the bathroom was spotted staring into the darkened bedroom like a lantern-holding constable gazing at the long-putrefied corpse of a scullery maid.


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