ITHACA, NY—Watching a new story about the legal loopholes that allow underage American girls to be married off to much older men who have impregnated them, local mother-in-law Cindy Dearborne was overheard muttering to herself Friday that at least someone out there was having a baby. “She may be young, but it’s nice that she gets to put her most fertile years to good use,” Dearborne said within earshot of her daughter-in-law, referring to a 14-year-old girl on the TV screen whose parents forced her to marry a 29-year-old man after they learned she was pregnant with his child. “By getting an early start, she’ll have plenty of time to raise a big, happy family. Plus, she’s learning at a young age that life isn’t all about what she wants. That’s an important lesson…Oh, and look at the grandma! She seems so happy. Probably because she knows she’ll actually get to be around to watch her grandkids grow up.” At press time, sources confirmed Dearborne’s daughter-in-law had left the room immediately upon learning the news show would return after the break with a report on the societal effects of women in the workplace.
More from The Onion