NEW YORK—Saying the area felt like the “perfect fit” for him, local asshole Kyle Howard expressed his excitement Wednesday at moving to the part of the city where all the assholes live. “I’m really glad I moved here [among every other asshole in the city],” said the 31-year-old asshole, who, given his completely assholeish hobbies and interests, had long desired to live in the neighborhood of assholes. “There are so many great [asshole] restaurants and a ton of really convenient [asshole] stores right outside my door. I can’t wait to get settled in and [be a complete and unrepentant asshole alongside pricks, bastards, and fuckers exactly like me]. I already feel at home.” At press time, the total asshole had reportedly met an asshole woman at a local coffee shop that specifically caters to assholes.

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