CANTON, IL—Complaining that their ignorance of their very own beliefs has annoyed him for most of his life, local man Arthur Brody told reporters Wednesday that he was sick of having to explain his family members’ political views to them. “I just get tired of telling my so-called libertarian brother that if he likes the police department and the military and highways, then, guess what, he likes socialism too,” said Brody, 34, adding that he had grown weary of informing his self-described progressive in-laws that their refusal to embrace single-payer healthcare and their support for sending more troops to Afghanistan placed them squarely in the centrist camp. “Everybody else in the family just sits there listening to each other’s opinions, leaving it to me to speak up and let them know what they really stand for. I’m always the one to tell my mother that her views on immigration resemble fascism far, far more than any notion of center-right conservatism, but, of course, I never get a thank-you.” At press time, Brody was no longer in the position of having to explain his family member’s views as they refused to talk to him about politics entirely.

Advertisement