MANASSAS, VA—Noting that he’s frequently anxious and embarrassed by his most minor personality quirks and modest physical imperfections, sources confirmed Thursday that local sales associate Walter Markowitz is self-conscious about the completely wrong things. “My receding hairline has gotten a lot more noticeable lately, and I feel like women are constantly staring at it,” said Markowitz, who consistently fixates on innocuous faults, from his slightly nasally voice to his mediocre penmanship, but never feels shame about his deep-rooted fear of commitment, the ease with which he grows angry, or how he always pushes to have things precisely his way in all situations. “I know I’m not always the most confident guy, but it isn’t easy when you’re my height. It gnaws at me that I could get more respect if I was a few inches taller.” At press time, Markowitz was reportedly fretting over his unimpressive-sounding job title, completely ignoring how he’s constantly belittling and abrasive to coworkers.

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