METHUEN, MA—Saying that he can already picture them calling him up at all hours and feeding him their sad sack stories to try to win his sympathy, 37-year-old local man Shawn DeWeese told reporters Tuesday that he knows exactly which of his relatives would cause problems for him if he ever came into a serious amount of money. “If I ever hit it big, I guarantee my brother Danny would be the first one scratching at my door—that pain in the ass is always mooching off me and asking to use my car,” said DeWeese, remarking that if he were to “score that kind of cash,” there would be no way to keep it secret, “not in [his] goddamn family.” “My aunt and uncle, my cousin Ed who can’t hold down a job—jeez, the whole Blanchard side of the family would probably just camp out here looking for a little piece, even though they’ve never done a thing for me. And then there’s [ex-girlfriend] Carol—she’s not family, but she’d still come sniffing around too, probably acting all nice to me for a change. Basically, everyone’s going to want a piece of what’s mine.” DeWeese added that while he would of course be willing to help out in the event of a family emergency, he wouldn’t just hand out any of his hypothetical riches to help anyone “open a goddamn restaurant or anything dumb like that.”

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