SMYRNA, GA—Disappointed after spending $25 on dinner at his local Chinese restaurant Wednesday night, local man Keith Bradelson told reporters he could have easily prepared the same meal at home but much worse. “I don’t even know why I go out to eat—I could make the same stuff in my own kitchen and it’d be far, far shittier,” said Bradelson, who explained how he could prepare an identical entree except with dry, overcooked meat, a single stuck-together mass of gummy rice, and the bland, flavorless substitution of key Szechuan spices with whatever he had lying around. “It wouldn’t even be that hard. I have a wok and some soy sauce and almost no culinary skills whatsoever. You just have to throw it all together and that’s it—you’ve got borderline inedible sesame chicken.” At press time, Bradelson vowed that the next time he was in the mood for Chinese, he’d whip himself up something so bad that he’d end up throwing it away before ordering in the real thing.

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