MYSTIC, CT—Expressing frustration while viewing the Mystic Aquarium’s stingray exhibit with his family, local dad Jeff Palmer told reporters Wednesday that he didn’t shell out $100 of his hard-earned cash just to listen to a lecture about the ecosystem. “I paid good money to see some fish and big sharks with my kids, not hear a guy spout off about this coral species that’s going extinct,” said Palmer, adding that he had expected the marine expert talking about rising ocean temperatures to instead hold up a stingray that visitors could touch or, at the very least, feed it some type of fish that they could all watch it eat. “Come on, I didn’t drive all the way out here just to have some boring scientist list off a whole bunch of endangered species. Can’t I just watch the seals swimming around in the tank without another stupid speech about shrinking habitats?” At press time, Palmer was growing “pretty goddamn sick” of getting raked over the coals every time he tapped on the aquarium’s glass to get the attention of the sharks.

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