NEW HAVEN, CT—Immediately dismissing the high school senior’s chances of acceptance after reviewing his record, Yale admissions officers reportedly decided Friday that an applicant who had actually faced punishment for committing sexual assault was clearly not Yale material. “We have a very high standard here at Yale, and it’s abundantly clear that any applicant who has received actual consequences for sexual misconduct is just not someone who will thrive here,” said Yale admissions officer Paul Shelton, adding that lowering the university’s standards to admit the applicant who had been suspended from school and had to perform mandatory community service for sexual abuse was unfair to other applicants who had committed sexual assault and evaded all punishment. “What we look for in an applicant is evidence that he’s able to successfully intimidate his victim into silence, convince everyone that his victim is lying, or use his connections and family influence to get the whole episode swept under the rug. This is an elite school whose distinguished alums include President Bill Clinton, President George H.W. Bush, and Supreme Court justice Clarence Thomas, and we cannot in good conscience accept an applicant such as this young man who perpetrates sexual abuse and is unable to weasel his way out of any and all repercussions.” Admissions officers added that while the university is highly selective, they were committed to ensuring that any student who had successfully avoided punishment for sexual assault in high school would receive every opportunity to do the same during his time at Yale.

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