NAPLES, FL—Noting that the sick colleague had been instructed to “take it easy” and “hang in there,” local brand manager Cassandra Reynolds confirmed Thursday that all of the good sentiments on a coworker’s “get well soon” card were already taken. “Shit, somebody is already sending him good vibes, too,” said Reynolds, admitting she had no idea how to even address the man who had already been referred to as “buddy,” “big guy,” and “chief.” “I was going to do ‘can’t wait to have you back,’ but now that just seems so unoriginal. Of course, some asshole had to put ‘feel better’ right there at the top. Fuck, three people are already praying for him? I guess maybe I could write the same thing as someone else but much bigger.” At press time, the coworker reportedly took a turn for the worse after seeing that the tactless Reynolds had simply signed her first and last name on the card.

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