TULSA, OK—Stressing that the part-time administrative assistant should book a flight as soon as possible, sources confirmed this week that all of 28-year-old Hailey Allen’s problems stem from her never having visited Europe. “All her relationship hang-ups, low self-esteem, and failures at work would immediately disappear if Hailey finally experienced the grandeur of the La Sagrada Familia in Barcelona or tossed a coin into the Trevi Fountain in Rome,” said concerned sources, noting that every single one of Allen’s professional and personal issues could be resolved with even just a weekend spent exploring the streets of Paris. “The moment she bites down into a Parisian pain au chocolat at a café, she’ll immediately transcend her current self, becoming a fully matured, well-rounded, and happy person. To clarify, this is only applicable for Western European countries and does not include Asia, Russia, or any nation East of the Baltic Sea.” At press time, sources panicked as Allen was seen purchasing a Greyhound ticket for Warsaw, IN.
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