RICHBORO, PA—Saying that no other fact about him elicits more interest and attention from others, local man Travis Whitaker explained to reporters Friday how all of his numerous accomplishments are routinely overshadowed by his hefty birth weight of 10 pounds, 6 ounces. “You know, I’ve risen pretty far at my law firm in only a few years, I ran track at college, and I’ve played piano my whole life, but as soon as people find out how much I weighed as a newborn, all of that goes right out the window, and they just want to talk about how much bigger I was than regular babies,” said Whitaker after excusing himself from a break room conversation that was sidetracked by a question about whether he “look[ed] like the Michelin Man” back then. “I always get a way bigger reaction to that than when I talk about my trip to Patagonia or the law journal article I had published. Once they hear how large I was, their eyes just light up, and all they care about is asking to see my baby pictures so they can look at my big chubby cheeks.” At press time, sources confirmed that a coworker was interrupting Whitaker’s story about studying abroad for a year in Venice to say that his delivery must have been hell on his mother.
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