Illustration for article titled Alcohol Unfairly Blamed For Local Man’s Impaired Judgment

MATTOON, IL—Soon after the 28-year-old leapt off the lid of a dumpster and sprained his ankle Tuesday night, friends of area man Jesse Willard unjustly placed the blame for his questionable behavior on alcohol, sources confirmed. “Man, that guy turns into such a moron when he gets a few beers in him,” said Sean Taggart, 29, unfairly accusing the chemical ethanol of being responsible for Willard's lack of foresight and poor decision-making, traits that are in fact fundamental features of his personality and are equally present when he's completely sober. “Jesse has a bit of an impulsive and destructive side that comes out as soon as he starts drinking. Every night out at the bar [or anywhere else] with him always ends like this.” Sources stated that friends have also falsely ascribed Willard’s sudden outbursts of rage, his boorish forwardness with women, and penchant for uttering racial epithets to alcohol, when in actuality he’s just an all-around ass.

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