Adrenaline-Fueled Mother Lifts Heavy Child From Car

Photo: The Onion

WAUKESHA, WI—In what witnesses are calling “nothing short of a miracle,” mother Anne Packer’s protective maternal survival instincts evidently prompted an explosive adrenaline release Friday when the mother lifted a heavy child from her car. “Once that woman realized how deep her kid was stuck in there, something changed. Her voice got louder and deeper, she dropped her tote bag where she stood, planted her feet, and by God if she didn’t pick that massive chunker right up off its carseat,” said onlooker Bryan Jackson, who admitted he was “terrified” the 37-year-old woman would be crushed by the sheer mass of her ponderous toddler, but found himself simply too awestruck to help. “I thought her shirt was going to split across her shoulders. You wouldn’t think a normal woman would be able to get her arms around that much corn-syrup-fed toddler, let alone hoist him up into the air. Her legs buckled for a second, but sure enough, she heaved the entire damn thing onto her shoulder. I really thought they were going to need a crane.” Bystanders then watched in awe as Packer carried her colossal child 20 yards to the grocery store.

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