‘Aw, The Little Fella’s Quoting People’s History,’ Say Sources

WHITTIER, CA—Saying his regurgitated arguments about elites exploiting working-class Americans were simply precious, sources confirmed Wednesday that an adorable 23-year-old on a tirade about economic oppression must have just read Howard Zinn’s A People’s History Of The United States for the first time. “Aw, listen to him going on and on about robber barons and American imperialism—isn’t he the cutest?” observer Amber Irving said of Kyle Green, the young man who was reportedly all in a huff about the Spanish-American War, putting a knowing smile on the face of everyone within earshot. “Oh my goodness! Now he’s throwing a little fit about railroad strikes, of all things. He’s really quoting chapter and verse, isn’t he? And look how earnest the little guy is!” At press time, sources reported a visibly worked-up Green had taken to social media to reappraise the legacy of Christopher Columbus.