Children Starting To See Through Dad’s Claim That DoubleTree Hotel Part Of Disney Resort 

ORLANDO, FL—Increasingly dubious that their lodging was in any way tied to the theme park experience, Larry Kostyk’s two children on Wednesday were reportedly starting to see through their father’s claim that the DoubleTree Hotel was part of the Walt Disney World Resort. “I dunno, we’re like half an hour away from the…

Man’s Eyes Glaze Over Whenever Politician Starts Threatening To Plunge Him Into Serf-Like Subjugation

LANCASTER, PA—Saying it was a struggle to keep them open at all amidst all the tedium, local man Eric Meehan told reporters Thursday that his eyes always glaze over whenever a politician starts threatening to plunge him into serf-like subjugation. “God, every time they start talking about this boring stuff, I just…

Area Woman Quietly Satisfied To Have Concrete Evidence Backing Up Years-Long Hatred Of Matt Lauer

BROOKLYN, NY—In the wake of a sexual misconduct allegation that led to the firing of the longtime Today cohost, local woman Meredith Duncan on Wednesday was reportedly quietly satisfied to have concrete evidence backing up her years-long hatred of Matt Lauer. “I’ve despised that man for going on two decades, and now I…

‘Let’s All Say What We’re Grateful For,’ Says Mother Who Apparently Believes She’s In A Norman Fucking Rockwell Painting

LANSING, MI—Deluded into thinking the gathering was the goddamn picture of idyllic American life, local mother Donna Lerner, who apparently believes she’s in a Norman fucking Rockwell painting, reportedly suggested Thursday that everyone say what they are grateful for. “Now, let’s all go around the table and say at…

Assistant Coach Finally Works Up Courage To Blow Whistle

OKLAHOMA CITY—Saying they were caught completely off guard by his sudden act of assertiveness, onlookers at a Duncan High School varsity football practice reported Wednesday that second-year assistant coach Bill Vining had finally worked up the courage to blow his whistle. “Everyone just froze and we thought we were…