Frustrated Man Can’t Believe He Can Still Hear Construction Worker Hammering His Wife At This Hour

FRANKFORT, KY—Wondering if he’d even get a minute of sleep with all that racket, local man Ted Hinze told reporters Friday that he can’t believe he can still hear a nearby construction worker hammering his wife at this hour. “Christ, it’s past ten o’clock and this asshole is still going at it,” said an exasperated…

Bar Table Scientists Awarded 4-Beer Grant To Complete Analysis On Why He’s Not Good Enough For You

SCOTTSBLUFF, NE—Saying they could now fully explore their hypothesis that you deserve way better, scientists at the corner table of Marty’s Pub received a four-beer grant Thursday to complete their analysis on why he’s not good enough for you. According to the researchers, the much-needed infusion of alcohol will…

Adrenaline Supply Intended For Lifting Car Off Loved One Called Upon To Carry 4 Grocery Bags At Once

MARIETTA, GA—Infusing his muscles with sudden and desperately needed power, the adrenaline supply of local man Simon McManus intended for lifting a car off a loved one was called upon Tuesday to carry four grocery bags at once. According to sources, McManus’s adrenal gland flooded his system with the stress-triggered…

‘Just Take It Slow, And You’ll Be Fine,’ Drunk Driver Assures Self While Speeding Away In Stolen Police Car

ATLANTA—In an effort to avoid arousing any suspicion, drunk driver Jeff Macklin reportedly assured himself while speeding away in a stolen police car Monday that he would be totally fine if he just took it slow. “All you gotta do is take this nice and easy, and everything will turn out A-okay,” said the inebriated…