Frustrated Man Can’t Believe He Can Still Hear Construction Worker Hammering His Wife At This Hour

FRANKFORT, KY—Wondering if he’d even get a minute of sleep with all that racket, local man Ted Hinze told reporters Friday that he can’t believe he can still hear a nearby construction worker hammering his wife at this hour. “Christ, it’s past ten o’clock and this asshole is still going at it,” said an exasperated…

‘Just Take It Slow, And You’ll Be Fine,’ Drunk Driver Assures Self While Speeding Away In Stolen Police Car

ATLANTA—In an effort to avoid arousing any suspicion, drunk driver Jeff Macklin reportedly assured himself while speeding away in a stolen police car Monday that he would be totally fine if he just took it slow. “All you gotta do is take this nice and easy, and everything will turn out A-okay,” said the inebriated…

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