PORTLAND, OR—As he summoned his strength to overcome the grave misfortune that befell him nearly eight months ago, a dire saga of great anguish reportedly ended in triumph Tuesday when a local man finally got around to purchasing the batteries needed to power his TV’s remote control. “Sweet, now I won’t have to get up off the sofa every time I want to change the channel,” said Jason Higgins, who according to sources embarked upon a journey to a nearby CVS in search of a soda that might slake his thirst and buoy his flagging spirits, but, as he traversed endcap and aisle, chanced to uncover the $5.99 two-pack of AAAs that would end his long torment. “I remember the old batteries died when I was watching playoff baseball, so it’s been a while. I tried taking the ones out of the Xbox controller, but they were AA, and also then I couldn’t play Xbox, which sucked.” At press time, reports confirmed Higgins had changed the batteries and then immediately misplaced the remote, telling himself he would look for it later and just watch whatever channel was on for now.
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